Lonely Cowboy

I'm at work, on lunch, hiding out in the library.

I can't get thoughts of horses and cattle and ranches and wide open spaces out of my head.  Sometimes it's like a disease consuming my mind, and it absolutely paralyzes me.  This morning as I sat through back to back meetings, it was all I could do to feign interest.  

I'm sitting here with my headphones on listening to Willie and Waylon, feeling like I just want to go to sleep for a long, long time and wake up in a different world.

I want to wake up in a world with no staff meetings.  No long days staring into a computer.  No artificial deadlines.  A world that's a little less soft, a little more adventurous.  A little more rewarding in less tangible ways.

Eureka!

Well it's official.  I know exactly what I want out of life; no ifs, ands or buts about it.

I've been on this little farmstead going on five months, and already I can't believe I ever lived in town -- any town -- for so much of my adult life.  I have friends with farms and ranches, and I've spent a lot of time on them.  I dreamt for so many years about having a ranch in Colorado.  But always there lingered a question, a doubt about whether such a thing would really make me happy.  I might miss being in or close to town.  I might miss people.  I might miss the convenience and the culture of city life.

Nah.  No f'ing chance.  I've been back downtown several times since I moved, and each time I get out as quickly as possible.  Too many people.  Too many cars.  Too many vagrants.  Too much stuff going on.

I've only got 5 acres here.  And water use (a shared well) is a little restrictive, so no real irrigation is possible.  But I now have 39 chickens, four turkeys, two ducks, several thousand bees, a dozen goldfish, a great dog and a smattering of raised garden beds.  Daily I'm scheming about how to get more animals, and how to ensure they can pay for themselves.  Rabbits and goats are next on my list.

But even that won't be enough.  I am dead set on starting a cattle ranch, having a hell of a lot more land, and being further away from town.  I need cows and horses.  I need a few pigs.  I need way more chickens and ducks, goats and sheep, geese and rabbits, another dog, a cat and more turkeys, to name what immediately comes to mind.

For a long time my idea of a dream ranch really was more of a cabin in the woods.  There was certainly some livestock involved, but my fantasy was mostly focused on hunting and fishing and being in the cabin.  That dream hasn't changed except that the balance has shifted.  I now see myself spending the bulk of my time tending my animals, with periodic trips into the mountains for hunting and fishing.

I always had animals growing up, and being here has reminded me how much was missing from my life by not having any.  It isn't just taking care of animals, of course.  I've got a workshop and storage buildings.  I've got a yard to tend to.  I've got chores to do.  But the animals are what really put the life into my world.  They make me feel alive again.  Hopeful, even.