Love

I think nothing in the world can make a spirit soar higher, or crush a spirit more thoroughly than love. It's a funny, funny thing.

I watched a movie tonight called Were the World Mine. I haven't smiled that much or felt that light of heart in quite awhile. It seems like these days I'm more serious that ever. Even my mom tells me to lighten up. I feel myself hardening, distancing myself from people ever more with the passage of time. I'm not sure what's going on. I'm not a huge movie buff, but every now and then I'll watch a movie or read a story that just melts my heart. I smile ear to ear and I feel like the world is sunshine and lollipops. It feels good. It reminds me of things, times, that once were. It reminds me that somewhere buried within all of the dark and terrible things that issue forth from humanity, there is also something lovely and precious beyond words.

“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.”

--James Earl Jones

Life Lessons

I think I'm finally running out of steam when it comes to Facebook. I've reconnected with just about everyone from my past. In general, I find most people aren't as excited about reconnecting as I was. It's disappointing. I'm also starting to remember why I was so eager to get the hell out of Huffman.

Maybe there's a darn good reason why people from my past who are no longer in my life are, well, no longer in my life.

I'm trying to understand why an old friend would claim to be so excited to reconnect, send me all kinds of wonderful emails about how much I am loved, say "call me!" and then not return any of my phone calls going on two weeks now. I know these people are still alive because they've posted on Facebook a few times since. Yeah, it's happened with more than one.

Then there' s slew of people who friend me, but won't respond to any of my messages.

Of my old high school friends, there are several who grew up to be really jaded. I can't imagine going through life with such a bad attitude.

But maybe I'm just the weird one. Or maybe I'm just weird in my own special way. I love the idea of having a community of close friends, but the older I get the more I feel like most friends are really just paying lip service. And maybe they really aren't even doing it on purpose. Maybe they're just too wrapped up in their own issues to pay too much attention to a friendship. I know that's been true of me before.

Tonight Gerard and I went out in Denver for a couple of hours, just to try and meet some people. I get so frustrated and tense in crowds, especially crowds of strangers, that I need to be drinking to enjoy it. Being Sunday night, I only had one beer. I can safely say that the bar scene hasn't changed since I first started going 20 years ago. I, however, have. We left.

On the drive back to our quiet place in Boulder I reflected silently to myself on the past week. Side note: I don't think I've mentioned it at all on my blog, but my old classmate Kelly Danaher was killed one week ago today. I've spent the better part of the week mourning with my classmates via Facebook. I was terribly, terribly bummed out by it and only now am I starting to somewhat get out of the funk I was in. I wrote an open letter which was probably entirely too mushy and posted it on Facebook, but it helped me get my head clear. I actually got a lot of positive responses, which made me feel good. I'll probably post it here. I've been neglecting my blog lately because I've been so wrapped up rediscovering people on Facebook.

Anyway, the drive home. I thought about the ups and downs on Facebook: happily rediscovering people only to have them not be interested in actually making a human connection. I thought about the overcrowded bar full of people who by all appearances were frankly a little pathetic. Like I said, the scene never changes. I sometimes get these nostalgic fantasies in my head: If only I could go back to high school knowing what I know now, it would be so much more fun! If only I were free to party again like I did in college, it would be so much fun! If only....

But it isn't true. I still clam up in bars (unless I'm drunk) just like I did in college. My old classmates are proving they are still very much the same people they were back in high school. Sure some have mellowed. Others have gotten more intense. But my subconscious fantasy that we're all going sit around reminiscing about the old days and forging some kind of new improved friendship is bullshit, I'm sorry to say.

It's also very clear to me that the life I have today is the life I built for myself. I built it because it's what I want. I guess sometimes I start wondering about what else might be, or what might have been. But those are silly things to seriously consider. As I drove back to my quiet home in Boulder, I thought, yeah, this is what I want. This makes me happy.

Two Timing

What a fantastic week I had in Austin. Though I thoroughly enjoyed soaking up that 106 degree Texas heat (especially while splashing in Barton Springs), I can't say I was the least bit disappointed when I stepped out of my truck tonight into 68 degree mountain air.

I'm tempted to recount every excruciating detail of my trip but I'll spare you. Suffice it to say I did a lot of swimming, kayaking, barbecue eating, beer drinking and reminiscing with friends, among much else. I didn't want the week to end. As I watched Austin get smaller in my rearview mirror I felt a little sad. So much of me lives in that city, and in Texas in general. Yet moving back isn't something I want to do, at least not at this point in my life. The long drive out of the state was ushered along by my iPod with Texas songs in heavy rotation. Of course there was a lot of contemplation as well, but I think I'm too tired to get into that tonight.

I didn't feel sadness again until I left my usual rest and refueling stops in Dalhart, about 40 miles from the New Mexico border. Texas. I love her. But my sadness, I must say, was completely wiped away an hour later when the Rocky Mountains came into view. I suddenly felt, well, at home! It was really odd because I almost felt a sense of relief, like I was slipping back into my comfort zone. It was like being embraced by strong, familiar arms when I was in need of a little comforting. This was the first time I'd really felt strong emotions for both states at practically the same moment. I guess it's official. I have two loves in my life. Texas is my wild and carefree lover, great for a crazy night but not really the one I can settle down with. Colorado, on the other hand, is the one I snuggle up to when party ends. I think this realization is going to allow me enjoy both gals a whole lot more from this point on. After all, they don't seem to mind sharing.

Life is good.