The Rat Race

I'm two days into my coding bonanza and I feel like I'm dying. Seriously.

There's a guy at work I've mentioned before. He really truly seems to get off on this stuff. I mean he goes home from work and continues to work. It's as if he wouldn't know what to do with himself without programming. He's hyper active, always loud and running that mouth a mile a minute, and completely consumed with his little web apps.

So he spends days - weeks - working on something, typing strings of incomprehensible letters and symbols. When he's done, he clicks a button and neat things happen on a computer screen. Whoopty-freakin-do. That's how I feel about it. It's like watching a magician. He does a card trick, everyone oohs and aahs, and then everyone goes home. At the end of the day it means nothing to me. There's no miracle in code. You can't eat code or clothe yourself in code. It's nothing more than fancy card tricks. I can't make myself love this. I can make myself learn it, but I can't make myself enjoy it or care about it. It's like being trapped in a loveless relationship. It sucks.

How long can I keep this up? My life is slipping by one dull throbbing day at a time. I don't want a new job. I don't want a new life. I just want to take a different path. There must be one that doesn't cut through a cube farm, that won't leave me a homeless drifter, or won't work me like a slave. No, that's not asking too much. There are people in this world who do what they love. Maybe our programmers really are fulfilled, though I have my doubts. I think his overzealousness comes from a need to be the best at something, but this isn't about him. I need to be one of those people whose life revolves around his passions. I don't mind hard work. In fact I like it. It just needs to be something I believe in, something real, tangible, meaningful. Something, perhaps, a little more natural like building a home or carving up an elk carcass as opposed to frying my eyes and working up a nasty case of carpal tunnel behind a godforsaken computer.

I shouldn't be quite so hard on computers. I like mine pretty well when I'm recording my thoughts. Maybe writing for me is like programming for others. And composing an essay or writing a book is a hell of a lot nicer to do on a computer than with pencil and paper. I really shouldn't be hard on programmers either. I need to figure this out and get a grip. I need to make something happen.

I need to write my book, buy my ranch and live happily ever after.